Go directly to Hell: Do not pass go, do not collect $200

Someone should write a song about the Devil coming to town to challenge a guy at a game of Monopoly. In the song, the Devil would bet the guy a Monopoly board of gold against the guy’s soul. The game would go on for hours and it would be really dramatic until the guy out-deals the devil in property trades and the Devil goes bankrupt. The chorus of this song would have to include flaming mountains, chickens and a not-so-rabid dog.

Whenever I suggest a game of Monopoly to pass a night with coffee, cigarettes or a fifth, the short answer is usually – no. The long answer is usually – hell no. I have lost just as many games as the next person, but I have won a lot too. I am often accused of ill deals, unfair and relentless strategy, and cutthroat game play.

I assure you, I play perfectly fair and I always make sure the rules are agreed upon before the game begins, as everyone has their own traditional rules, concepts, etc. when it comes to Monopoly. Last night my neighbor and his girlfriend brought their Monopoly board over not really certain as to what they were getting themselves into.

The game seemed to start off in their favor. When all the properties had finally been purchased, I had possession of all yellow properties (Atlantic Ave, Ventnor Ave., and Marvin Gardens), all purple properties (Mediterranean Ave. and Baltic Ave.) and a single property from all color groups preventing my neighbor and his girlfriend from having any monopolies. My neighbor did however have all railroads which slightly annoyed me after shelling out $200 once every time around the board.

The girlfriend was the first to go out after landing on my yellow properties riddled with houses and hotels. Rather than going out, my neighbor offered to pay the $1025 rent for her in exchange for all of her properties. I protested, as all properties of someone going bankrupt should rightfully go directly to the bank to be repurchased by the remaining players who land on said properties. I decided to let it go, as my neighbor only achieved one monopoly with all his newly acquired properties. His girlfriend went bankrupt on her next turn and was out of the game.

Then the dealing began. I was insistent on breaking up his railroad cartel and refused all deals unless they involved at least a two-railroad trade. He was more than reluctant to let go of those railroads. After an hour of not much excitement and many deal proposals, I decided “what the hell” and I made a deal to give up three of my single properties for Kentucky Ave. and Pacific Ave. which gave me two more monopolies. I immediately erected hotels on them thanks to my vast wealth. My opponent however erected some hotels on his three newly acquired monopolies.

At first I was a little nervous as thousands of dollars began changing hands between us. The game appeared to be turning in his favor until I hit Free Parking (to which all taxes are placed in the middle—this is not an official rule, but it should be) and I received a grand total of $1875. With this money I was able to make it around the board a few times without suffering the loss of selling my hotels or houses to pay him rent.

Though he had played well and made some fine moves throughout the game, my neighbor was not so lucky. Before long he had sold all his houses and hotels, mortgaged nearly all his property, and finally went bankrupt. I ended the four-hour game with $7600 cash and at least $4000 invested in hotels and houses.

I am still waiting on the Devil to return my phone calls.